His name was Sam and he was the tallest boy in school. He had thick white hair like a Samoyed and he was a six foot tall pre-teen (not relevant but very interesting visually — if it helps paint the picture I was a taller than average pile of hair and acne).
As we banged teeth in front of our cheering peers, the taste of Barbecue Shapes wafted from his mouth to my nostrils.
Why? How could he do this? Why would he bother passing me a romantic ‘will u go out with me? Y N plz circle’ if he wasn’t going to eat the superior Shape before invading my mouth hole with his gross overzealous tongue?
Why would he sweatily hold my hand watching Men In Black if he was going to betray me in this way?
Listen up boys, before you go in for the kiss — know this, learn this, live by this: Pizza Shapes or bust.
What is happening with Barbecue Shapes? Who gave them a crown? Arnott’s for starters — the biscuit maker sent out a press release today announcing Barbecue Shapes came out on top in research it commissioned to settle the ‘what’s your flavour’ question once and for all.
The YouGov/Galaxy poll revealed Barbecue inexplicably took 15 per cent of the vote, narrowly edging out Pizza Shapes (14 per cent), Chicken Crimpy (12 per cent) and Cheddar (9 per cent).
Wow. You absolute weirdos.
Barbecue is not even a real flavour. What is ‘barbecue’ flavour? Sausages? Is it the flavour of sausages? Enjoy our sausage crisps. Or is it just burnt? The flavour of burnt? What a treat for young and old.
And don’t even get me started on Chicken Crimpies — the word crimpie is so upsetting and meat has no place on a cracker snack.
Pizza however, invokes an actual flavour palate. Tomato, oregano, basil. Salty, fatty deliciousness.
Pizza is a superior food to any food ever. This has been proven by science. Citation not needed because everybody knows it’s true, shut up.
Pizza Shapes are crispy and smaller than the giant Barbecue Shapes so I can fit more of them in my mouth which is an important time saver for me as a busy (dog) mum.
Pizza will not be sidelined. Pizza needs to stand up and take its rightful place on the throne. It is time for the silent Pizza supporters to step up. Speak out. Sing the truth of the superior flavour. Shout it from the rooftops. We can right this wrong.
Michelle Brasier is a comedian and freelance writer. Continue the conversation @michellebrasier